Just when I'm starting to feel really good, something bad happens.

Paul's only pair of dress whites are now horrifically stained with pen ink. A simple enough task if you know the tricks, but the stain wouldn't come out properly. Paul freaked out so bad when he first saw the blotches - he always flips in the worst way when things go wrong. It's gotten to where I'm actually scared of him being mad. Not that he would hurt me, he's not violent by nature; rather, he goes wild like a Tasmanian Devil. It gets crazy.

But anyway, this was my fault. I missed that stupid pen in his pocket somehow... It really irks me that I can't do a simple task like that... More importantly, I can't do something good without fucking it up. Paul was counting on me to have those whites done. I did get them done... but I ruined them... I hate myself for not being able to do things right the first time. I know that's stupid, because hey, people mess up, and getting something right the first time is really rare. But I would rather get it right the first time then have to cringe every time I remember doing something wrong. It's not that I don't learn from my mistakes; I do value that. I just don't enjoy cringing every time I remember it, as if I have a whip coming down on my back to punish me for failing the first time.

I'm not asking to be perfect... although that would be nice. I would rather be able to keep learning. Just without the trip ups. I wonder if I'll ever get this Navy Wife thing right...

More importantly than that, I wonder if I'll ever get into a proper schedule. I can't keep busy with chores and errands and jobs like my mom does. She's amazing for that. (don't tell her I said so). I really want to be able to get everything done, BAM-BAM-BAM, and then be able to do whatever I want. But if I were able to do that, would I have too much stress on my plate? I like being able to relax and take things easy. I love the feeling of a job being done, love it, but having to focus on all of it feels too heavy. Like I might crack. I don't wanna crack. I don't know how the average person does it, keeping so busy all the time. It just makes me feel like even more of a fuck-up.

I really wonder if I'm the best thing for Paul. As much as he says I'm his world, that he would be lost without me, I wonder if he wouldn't be better off with someone else. I fuck so many things up, do so many things in a weird or annoying way. I'm scared I'll drive him off the deep end and ruin everything I love about him. I don't know how to shake this feeling - I've told him all of this, and he does his best to reassure me. I just can't find a way to make myself believe him. He says I just need to push the 'I Believe' button and have a little faith. I try...I wish there were some easy way to make me believe it.