Thursday, June 20, 2013

Just when I'm starting to feel really good, something bad happens.

Paul's only pair of dress whites are now horrifically stained with pen ink. A simple enough task if you know the tricks, but the stain wouldn't come out properly. Paul freaked out so bad when he first saw the blotches - he always flips in the worst way when things go wrong. It's gotten to where I'm actually scared of him being mad. Not that he would hurt me, he's not violent by nature; rather, he goes wild like a Tasmanian Devil. It gets crazy.

But anyway, this was my fault. I missed that stupid pen in his pocket somehow... It really irks me that I can't do a simple task like that... More importantly, I can't do something good without fucking it up. Paul was counting on me to have those whites done. I did get them done... but I ruined them... I hate myself for not being able to do things right the first time. I know that's stupid, because hey, people mess up, and getting something right the first time is really rare. But I would rather get it right the first time then have to cringe every time I remember doing something wrong. It's not that I don't learn from my mistakes; I do value that. I just don't enjoy cringing every time I remember it, as if I have a whip coming down on my back to punish me for failing the first time.

I'm not asking to be perfect... although that would be nice. I would rather be able to keep learning. Just without the trip ups. I wonder if I'll ever get this Navy Wife thing right...

More importantly than that, I wonder if I'll ever get into a proper schedule. I can't keep busy with chores and errands and jobs like my mom does. She's amazing for that. (don't tell her I said so). I really want to be able to get everything done, BAM-BAM-BAM, and then be able to do whatever I want. But if I were able to do that, would I have too much stress on my plate? I like being able to relax and take things easy. I love the feeling of a job being done, love it, but having to focus on all of it feels too heavy. Like I might crack. I don't wanna crack. I don't know how the average person does it, keeping so busy all the time. It just makes me feel like even more of a fuck-up.

I really wonder if I'm the best thing for Paul. As much as he says I'm his world, that he would be lost without me, I wonder if he wouldn't be better off with someone else. I fuck so many things up, do so many things in a weird or annoying way. I'm scared I'll drive him off the deep end and ruin everything I love about him. I don't know how to shake this feeling - I've told him all of this, and he does his best to reassure me. I just can't find a way to make myself believe him. He says I just need to push the 'I Believe' button and have a little faith. I try...I wish there were some easy way to make me believe it.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013


Some years ago I decided that chasing after a career in music was nothing more than a pipe dream. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. One of my friends said that I had grown up, but in the wrong way. But, if I hadn't let it go, I would have been unable to change and grow further.

But my music has never left me. My voice has not withered, my ears have not fallen out of tune with the notes I hear. And I still love to sing.

While watching 'Facing The Giants' for the umpteenth time (and I shall probably watch it again soon), the coach was focused on implementing a new team philosophy. The philosophy involved refocusing the purpose of the team from merely winning football games to honoring God through their actions and attitude.

So now, remembering the dreams I've left behind, I'm asking myself - what is the purpose of my singing? I've thought about it before, and couldn't answer it. I just loved to sing and I wanted to do it. But now I'm beginning to see and feel a little differently.

What is the purpose of my singing?
I want to sing - not for myself, but for others. I want to move people to joy in the music. I want to touch the very core of their soul and light a spark. I want to see them cry and yell in rapture as they listen. I want to see them give their mind and body over to the rhythms and sounds, and find something with even more meaning in the midst of it all. I want to incite a change. I want to bring people together for a common cause. I want, for one second, for the world to be in tune - for one perfect second of harmony.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Another New Day

The first day of a new blog. Go me. Maybe I'll actually stick to this one.

I am basically going to use this blog for an opportunity to free-write, in addition to my regular writings. I hope I can come up with some new ideas for them, or even express older ones in a different manner.

Right now, I'm feeling a little full from dinner, and my headache which was bothering me is almost gone. It was making me feel so nauseated - I hardly ever get headaches, much less get nauseated from them, so this was novel, if painful and unpleasant. Paul is studying right now, but he should be home relatively soon. I get so needy lately, I always want his attention when he's at his computer playing WoW. Then again, he always wants my attention when I get engrossed in something too. It's good times.

I really need to work on the stationery for my vow renewal again. It's so hard to say 'vow renewal' and not wedding - it's still a wedding in my head. I mean, yes, we got married at the courthouse, just me and him and a close mutual friend for a witness, but it's still a wedding to me. I didn't get to wear that white dress and do a ceremony and have a huge after-party. And doing it now is so backwards - well, I've done a lot of things backwards up to now, so I guess it's not a big deal. I just really want to say I was able to do this, for me, and for him, and for my family, new and old. It's important to me. Paul wants it to happen too. But it also feels like there are people who don't want it to happen - more to the point, people who think less of me - of us - because we didn't do it in the first place and have everyone there. And by throwing the vow renewal, they'll say, "Well why didn't you do it before? You should have done it in the first place." And if there are people who feel that way... well, then why should we have the vow renewal? If they're going to think less of us whether we try to include them or not, why should we even bother? It really hurts to picture that the people in my life will think that way.

Bleh, feelings dump. ... Not that I haven't done that before. I have a lot of strange feelings I want to explore and get rid of and expand upon... wonder if it'll take me the rest of my life to do that?